Insomniac Hairdresser

mmmmm, Beer

More Highly Irritating Information

I am really just tired of this.  After the amount of times this has happened, its time to bitch.  So there are these companies that fly people around.  Called "Airlines".  And they employ lovely people in lovely little outfits called "Flight Attendants."  A flight attendant should ensure the safety of all the passengers, check for buckled seatbelts and upright tray tables.  She/He closes and locks all doors, makes announcements and hands out pillows.  Its ALSO her job to get me a drink.  Guess what, its part of the job.  She asks every passenger what they would like to drink.  And the friendly passenger responds.  Then she/he goes to the back of the plane and fills the tray with the preferred beverages.

SO JUST BECAUSE I ASK FOR A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD OF A CAN OF COKE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO GIVE YOU A TIP.

Sorry folks.  You are paid well, and quite frankly one of your job requirements is to refresh me with beverages.  I am tired of riding on SOUTHWEST airplanes and listening to the flight attendants complain  (to each other...) that someone did not tip them for an alcoholic beverage.   You are making the same amount of money if you bring me some juice, or some gin and juice, Ale or gingerale, so get over it.  The alcohol already costs more, so I am just not going to tip.

I am sorry if I piss you off, but frankly I don't care.  And can you get me another beer while your back there???

knitting

knitting?  why the *uck are there soooooo many blogs on knitting?  am i missing something?  this seems to me like the most boring activity ever.  can someone enlighten me please?  i keep thinkin i am going to stumble upon a cool blog and its more knitting. 

um, i dont get it.

Pure Genius

This is a great idea.  You know how you belly up to the bar and you are in dire need of a beer?  You couldn't possibly want to wait more than, say, 10 seconds.  This is just ridiculous.  Who the hell waits ten seconds?  When I want a beer, I want it NOW!  You know, in like 3 seconds.  I demand a 3 second or less wait.  That is why I am so delighted with the amazing new TurboTap.  This amazing new invention keeps me from ever getting too thirsty.  More than one person in line?  Slow hands?  Dumb bartender?  Never you mind!  TurboTap is guaranteed to get you beer NOW! 

Ten Seconds.  Good lord, that is just a lifetime.....

Stories from the twilight zone

I decided I would escape the ho-humness of my life one weekend, so I went out to the gay bar with my little brother.  ( he is 24 ) Which is a normal evening in my family.  Thats beside the point.  Now, mind you, this isnt the big rockin chest baring, hot-guy gyrating, under pant wearing kind of shin dig.  It was a kicker bar.  Yes, you heard me.  Men in Wranglers.  And hats.  Big Hats. Two-stepping together.  We thought it would be a kick.(no pun intended.)  So we belly up to the bar, and order a round of beers.  And it is nice.  And another round.  maybe, quite possibly, one more.  So I am hanging out, nursing a Miller Lite when I turn around and see a six foot four "lady" standing next to me.  She says "Can I buy you a shot?"  And of course I don't normally hear this when I go out with my little bro, so I say, "Thought You would never ask!"   She proceeds to buy us all a round of shots.  Cowbells.  Anyone know what this is? 

Sidebar:   Take a frozen beer mug.  Fill three quarters of it with beer.  Fill a shot glass with Jager and drop into mug.  Chug the entire glass then shake the empty mug around till it sounds like a cowbell.  hence the term.......

By the time I get the full view, this lady is dressed to the nines in a beautiful satin COCKtail dress, shiny hose, black pumps and luxurious long black hair.  And she is black.  Very big and tall and very very black.  She tells me her name is Sabrina.  She towers over me and licks her shiny lips and says, "Another shot?"  And of course, who could turn down a free cowbell?  So we have another.  All is good.  I finally have to take a trip to the lady's room, and there I find Sabrina, having trouble with the zipper of her dress.  (why she unzipped it I will never know, nor ask....)  As I help her zip it back up, she says,

Sabrina: " I bought this for our engagement party." 

Me: Whose engagement party?

Sabrina: Mine and Jeffs

Me:  Oh!  When is it?

Sabrina:  Tonite Silly!

Me:  OHHH MY!!!!  I didn't realize!  Where is he?

Sabrina:  With me.  At the bar.  All nite????

Okay.  Maybe its just me.  But I would have never seen this coming.  Sabrina is the biggest tallest blackest sexiest lady I ever met.  So I follow her back to the bar where she proceeds to tell me her boobs hurt.  I am like WHAT?  But they look so nice.  She says girl, they were $4.99!  I go ahead and cup one, and it feels normal.  Until she pulls it out and lays it in my hand.  OHHHHH.  So she introduces me to Jeff.  Jeff.  Jeff is like 4'8, whiter than your gramma's panties and bucktoothed as Buckwheat in a barfight. He was wearing the tighest wranglers over his little nicole richie thighs and a cowboy hat that would have shaded half of Asia.    What the hell?  JEFF???  THIS is your JEFF?  Did you own Shrinky Dinks as a child and never got over it?  Am I on the planet Earth?

So finally Sabrina just pulls off her wig and says, "Yeah, so my name is Chris."  Okay, well I figured that much out.  But who in the world would have put these two together?  I am just in such shock and awe I have no other choice but to drink 3 1/2 more Cowbells and another Miller Lite.  This was just the funniest, oddest thing I ever saw.    Sabrina +  Jeff   4E

Its Freakin January

Christ.  Its friggin January people.  I live in TEXAS okay.  Yesterday it was like 80 degrees while me and my friends played disc golf.  getting sunburned.  and there were mosquito's, ok?!!!  friggin mosquito's.  in january.

and i wondered what that wittle bitty buggy wuggy suckin my leg was thinking about as i shoved his ass through his face with a mouth full of my blood.    bastard.

I've never....

Thanks so much Dave for the inspiration.  I was feeling so uninspired these days.  So pardon me if I use my comment from your blog.

Things I have never done:

I've never smeared my toe jam into the grilled cheese of a friend.

I've never gotten a "weave".

I've never played the banjo while having my back rubbed by a man in a kilt.

I've never sewn a dress for my grandpa.

I've never given ipecac to my cat. (or any other animal for that matter.)

I've never purchased and/or owned ipecac

I've never had spam pie.

I've never dove head first into a vat of nacho cheese.

I've never served grapes to a man on death row.

Man, there are so many things out there awaiting me.  So much to do and so little time.  What have YOU never done????

Oh, the trauma

ah, bathing suit shopping.  the shock and the trauma and pure awe in the very nature of it.  have you ever felt pretty cute before you actually got into the lovely fluorescent lighting that made your ass look the size of Africa and your thighs look like a hilly road map or the Appalachian mountains?   well i have.  my mom always says, "if you can't lose it, tan it..."  so i proceeded to go to the tanning bed and tan the everloving bejesus out of myself and THEN go bathing suit shopping!  Let me tell you!  It works!

BUT i found so many cute suits....i filled my cart with about 25 and spent two hours trying them on.  i was actually excited when one didn't fit right because i could eliminate it from the pile. brown and pink!  pink orange and white!!  blue and black!!! purple and white!  OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!  I wound up only getting four, but i had to call a friend for advice....CANCUN in one more week!!!  Here I come!

I have been dieting like a mad woman and working out like a banshee.  No more carbs until Mexico....and then its allll carbs...beans rice tortillas and lots and lots of cheese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bought capris, and suits and shoes and tops and chopsticks for my hair...i bought sunscreen and towels and even little bleachy things for my teeth.  i guess i am just traumatized because i am getting older and its becoming so hard to keep up with these damn young hot girls.  things are a little harder in your 30's ya know?  Eat two rice cakes, run for three hours.  just to MAINTAIN your weight.....

i have been trying to maintain my boot camp work out, but i tell you, it really is close to impossible.  without a drill instructor yelling over me its hard to push myself.  but i am a little better than i was.  today i ran for 20 minutes, did a 20 minute fully body quickie work out, did 300 crunches and took an hour Pilate's class.  just for kicks.

I also have a sinus infection and that is really pissing me off.  but hopefully it will be gone by CANCUN...............

After this half a soma and 4 beers i should be ready to sleep.  guess i will be back if i can't!!!.....

Sue Me

So sue me.  I have been a very very bad blogger.  BUSY okay?  Holy crap, if you knew what i have gotten myself wrapped around right now.  jeez. its kinda hard to report stuff.  jeez.... get off my ass

I should really circumvent alcohol.   RIGHT??

small caps only....see i am in the middle of creating a line of cosmetics that i hope people give a crap about..... have not announced the name for fear of...something.....about to have fashion show on the 23rd and then a photo shoot and model call on the 9th....going to miami only a few hours after the show to train for a new company...even though i have been with the last one for almost 5 years.....can't sleep again..too much..... please....help

Friday of Love

Yes, its saturday evening and I am done with work and everything!  I am ready for some serious booze and partying and sleeping in late.  And to my favorite Daxohol who suggested that I pamper myself, let me present to you, "Friday of Love." 

After spending my 5th evening at boot camp with substitute teacher, Instructor W."  who shall I mention does not wear underwear under his loose, short jogging shorts....(so unattractive to see the underside of a strange mans balls as he demonstrates bear crawls with one leg in the air.....) I ran home and cleansed my eyes first.  Then I proceeded to run a very hot bath and fill it with cherry bubble bath.  Put my long blonde hair in bun, slid in and proceeded to exfoliate the shit out of myself.  I slathered a mask on my face (blue, extra moisturizing) and put little bleachy things on my teeth.  I sipped champagne and lay in my tub.  I turned redder than a newborns butt, then I got out and used various different lotions for each part of my body.  I decided I needed the special lotion that slows hair growth for my legs, and the firming creme on my butt, the silky glistening kind for my arms and chest and some yummy smelling stuff on my belly and back.  I smelled like a French Whorehouse I am sure.  But I was pleased.  (i really should have been taken out back and slathered with Ben Gay, but it stinks.....maybe if it smelled like gardenia's or rainbow mist)

I removed my mask and proceeeded to microderm my skin.  This is lovely.  I am slicker than owl shit now.  I took off my bleachies, painted my fingers and toes and poured more champagne.  Then I neo-sporened my elbows and bandaged them back up.  This is sad.  My wonderful smelly goodness is marred by the two gaping holes in my elbow.  Maybe I will draw daisies on the bandages.  Or puppies and rainbows.  Haven't decided.  I presented myself with more champagne as I slipped into the silkiest jammies ever.  Have a strange image of my Instructor puking over all this.  I curl my hair with strawberry setting spray and marvel at how fantastic I look and feel.  One more glass of champagne.  I sample some of my lip gloss from my new cosmetics line, and it is good.

I can barely stand up because of the pain wracking my body, but when I do I realize I was better sitting.  I try to pour one more glass of champagne, but discover it is empty. OOOOPS...did i do that? 

Looking back, I had to have been the cutest, slickest, softest, good smelling passed out drunk girl ever.

Seriously, it was good.